Not to be an alarmist, but I consider it my job to keep on top of important world events and crises, and to report them to you. It's sort of my calling in life, really. Especially when I know that each and every one of you is counting on me for the truly insightful, hard-hitting stories that only I can write. Are you sitting down? Good. I have just finished watching a very upsetting clip about bicycle riding in Europe. Apparently, thousands of Europeans have started riding bicycles on a daily basis, taking them to the store, to work, even to school!!!! These people, many of them professionals in otherwise prosperous, Westernized countries, CAN'T AFFORD CARS. I am sure they don't want to say anything because they are too embarassed, but it really is a tragedy on so many levels. Haven't they even heard of taxis or, gulp, the subway in these places? Are they so behind, technology-wise, that there are no alternative means of transportation? I mean, here in NYC, you occcasionally see someone riding a bicycle, but usually they are wearing bicycle riding clothes and it's a misguided attempt at exercise. But these people are fully dressed and riding bicycles around their cities! I cannot even begin to list why this is wrong on so many levels, but I will try:
1. Women wear very nice shoes in Europe, as all the top designers are from there and make their shoes there, so think of all the Louboutins and Zanottis getting trashed.
2. People show up everywhere sweaty, with their hair messy. This could severely damage the dating scene, leading to a shortage of weddings and babies and eventually a population crisis!
3. Riding a bicycle to a job interview would virtually guarantee that you don't get the job, because your boss would correctly assume that you were crazy, so this could lead to widespread unemployment.
4. Riding bicycles is dangerous. You could fall and skin your knee, veer into traffic, or damage your complexion with all the windburn (I am sure that Lance Armstrong doesn't look so hot up close - I think his photos must be heavily retouched). You could also tear, soil or wrinkle your clothing.
5. Riding bicycles means that you don't have any place to store all of the stuff you buy when you go shopping, which could really hurt the economy. People will have to stop buying things because they don't want to haul it home on their ten-speeds!
6. Car manufacturers, who are already in trouble, will go out of business if everyone starts riding bicycles!
Bicycles are for young children and for professional bicyclists only, and we must do something to stop this alarming trend before it gets out of control and spreads to the United States. Write your congressman! Get involved. You can make a difference!
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