Loulou Parties in Florida

Sorry I've been out of touch, but it's all been part of my master plan to get people to forget all about me! Sadly, it seems that I am unforgettable. And I still seem to be generating an excessive amount of attention everywhere I go. It's so hard being so interesting! This weekend Stephen will join me here in Daytona Beach, where I am helping my cousin prepare for a pageant while simultaneously hiding out, for my first real Florida party. I don't want to blow my cover, so I need to blend in with the natives. When I think of Florida fashion, I think of vibrant colors and Lilly Pulitzer and pink flamingos, so I think this Matthew Williamson gown would be perfect! The print is inspired by peacocks, which are almost exactly like flamingos except they are not pink! And it's so low-key that I should be able to blend in without completely disappearing into the wallpaper.

Since I kept the dress simple, I can really play with accessories. I think I will wear these vibrant fuchsia platform pumps from YSL and this gorgeous Prada clutch covered with pink jewels! And for my hair, this lovely hair bow from Eugenia Kim in eggplant satin. And it's on SALE! It's almost unfair how good I am at shopping!

Loulou Says Thank You

It's Thanksgiving! I love this time of year, when I get to spend tons of time with my family and close friends. I have so much to be thankful for this year!
1. Mommy, Daddy and my sister Lana
2. Stephen
3. My girlfriends
4. My fans!
5. Shoes and bags for pulling my ensembles together and making me look so good!
6. My metabolism! Today I really outdid myself - I ate three bites of turkey and almost half a slice of pumpkin pie. Thanks to my skinny genes, I can still fit into my skinny jeans! (Especially my current faves - my Victoria Beckham waxed black skinnies!)

It was the SHOES

How could I ignore the obvious????? As much as I adore fabulous footwear, you would think that it would have occurred to me that Brian Atwood's combo of clear plastic and black leather studded with crystals was a real headturner! I LOVE these shoes, and apparently so did everyone else on the beach. Add to this the fact that they are SOLD OUT everywhere,  and I can see why they were stopping traffic. They probably thought I was a royal or something, traipsing by in shoes that all of Hollywood wants and no one can get their hands on! I am so relieved, although sadly that means the Atwoods will have to stay in my hotel room for the remainder of this trip, even though the plastic and thick chunky heel makes them so perfect for the beach! (Stilettos would be all wrong, as everyone knows pointy heels would simply sink in the sand!)

Loulou Lays Low

It's very hard going incognito, even in a smaller city like Daytona Beach. For one thing, I have discovered that here, my clothes are kind of conspicuous. In New York City, you could walk around town dressed as a Christmas tree and no one would even notice! Not that Loulou would ever do that! (I dressed as a poinsettia plant for a Christmas costume party once, but that was totally different. For one thing, it was red, not green, a color that is not at all Loulou-friendly. Also it was couture!) Anyway, it's so hard for Loulou to blend in. For example, some of my outfits are getting some unwanted attention here, hard as I try to keep a low profile.
Just yesterday, not wanting to draw too much attention to myself, I hit the beach with my cousin! Wanting to protect my delicate skin from the blazing Florida sun and to go undercover, I decided to wear something subtle and flowy, rather than the showy bikini I had packed. So I chose this soft, silky Cavalli kaftan.

I don't know what caused that ice cream truck to veer off its path and nearly hit those teenagers, or

why those German tourists were taking all those pictures. Maybe they thought I was Eva Longoria. (I get that all the time, and I am very flattered even though I never, ever plan on being 30. By the time I get anywhere near that number, I am sure they will have a cream that cures aging and birthdays and all that nonsense!) Since the kaftan was so discreet, I can only conclude that it was the hat that caused such a stir. I personally thought my Philip Treacy sun hat was the perfect accessory for the dress!

No, it couldn't have been the hat! After all, it's Florida, where sun hats are as commonplace as sunscreen! Maybe it was my beach bag? I know it was last season's Juicy bag, but I couldn't find this season's. I'm sure it's buried under the avalance of bags that hit me as I was frantically packing to leave town!

No, everyone in Florida has a beach bag! I really don't know what it could have been... But I plan to get to the bottom of this! I'm sure those unfortunately-dressed German tourists were really paparazzi in disguise, and I can't afford any more publicity right now!

Loulou Visits Daytona Beach

Loulou is trying to lay low these days, until all the hubbub over the Gaga debacle dies down. And since Stephen is in Eastern Europe on business for a few days (I'll have to ask him what he does one of these days - it hasn't come up. Work talk is so boring!), I've decided to jet down to a darling little resort town called Daytona Beach. My cousin lives there, and she needs my help preparing for the Miss Beach Beauty pageant!

Since I have years of pageant experience, both as a contestant and behind the scenes, I thought pageant prep might be a good distraction, and a few days of hanging out with the family and exploring the local haunts should do me good! So here I am at the Shores Resort & Spa, which is so charming. I love the little pool cabanas - so Miami-esque! My cousin Lucia decided to show me around the historic main street of Daytona Beach, called, appropriately enough, Beach Street, and it is so lovely and European-ish, with quaint little shops and restaurants, all set across the street from a pretty park on a river. Love it!

After doing a little shopping and antique-ing, we popped in for a light dinner at Ivy Lane Bistro, and I was in heaven. It was reminiscent of a cafe in Paris, except that I could understand everything my server was saying! I ordered the Avocado Blinis, which is like an avocado pancake with this lemony sauce and crabmeat on top of it, which was out of this WORLD. We also indulged in a fruit and cheese plate and it was massive but so so yummy, with big blocks of amazing cheese, fresh and dried fruit, and blue-cheese stuffed olives. I was in heaven. Lucia, who is on one of those meat-only diets, ordered the filet, and she said it was one of the best she's ever had. I love the old-world ambiance and the stylish crowd. Definitely our new spot to eat in town!

While I was there, I made quite an impression on the servers with my Loulou-esque ensemble, and I am sure they will all remember me, so if you drop by, tell them Loulou sent you!

Loulou Needs a Hobby

I am used to having my face plastered all over the pages of style and gossip magazines, but usually it's because of my adorable outfit or my adorable boyfriend. I have never made headlines for upstaging a headliner before! So I've decided to lay low and just hang out with Stephen and my best friends for a little while until the whole Gaga Scandal blows over. That's why I've decided I need a new hobby. Here are my ideas, so far.

1. Jewelry Making: I love the idea of working with diamonds and precious metals, but I think that there may be tools and sharp pointy things involved, which may pose a safety hazard to my manicure. Plus, tools are not Loulou-friendly!

2. Shoe Designing: The last time I attempted this I envisioned and sketched the most beautiful shoes imaginable. Unfortunately, according to all the cobblers and shoe engineers I consulted, it is physically impossible to stand on razor thin 11 inch stilettos. Clearly they lacked vision! I could give this another shot.

3. Art Collecting: Usually involves leaving the house and going to high profile auctions, galleries and museums. Next.

4. Baking: SO much potential with this one. First of all, boys like it when you bake for them. And there are so many cute things I could buy to support my new hobby: aprons, cookie cutters, an oven!
5. Perfume Making: Loulou has a superior sense of smell, so it makes sense that I would dabble in perfume making. Should I start creating personalized scents for all of my girlfriends, or focus on one developing my own signature scent and make it available to the public!?

A Showstopper

Oh what a night! I am still recovering from my amazing evening with Stephen at the Lady Gaga show! Have you ever had a moment when it seemed as if time stood still and all eyes were on you as you serenely, sophisticated-ly glided across the room? No? Well I have! First, let me start by saying that Stephen wore a simple, understated black tee and jeans. Yes, jeans. But I know it was because he is such an unselfish sort of guy and didn't want to steal the spotlight from me. And they were very nice jeans. And his shoes were soooo cool! But anyway, because he has so many amazing connections, we got backstage passes to the show. We didn't actually get to meet Her Royal Gaga-Ness, but we did get to meet the guy who is in charge of delivering drinks to her dressing room. (Gaga doesn't eat - a position I wholeheartedly endorse. Eating is such a waste of time and can very quickly guarantee that you won't fit into all your cute couture!) We also met the makeup artist for the backstage dancers, and he was very nice and down to earth and everything! Then we watched the show from backstage for a couple of minutes, and then, loyal Loulou-fans, as Stephen and I emerged from the blackness to take our places with the throngs of Gaga-ites, everything stopped. And the entire crowd, all 6-gazillion-schmillion of them, turned to look at me! The combination of Loulou and that genius design duo Marchesa was just too much for them. Even the music stopped, and as I looked up at the stage, I saw the Pop Princess peer down at me. She wasn't smiling, but that's probably because she was afraid she'd crack her face with all that makeup, but I could tell there was a glimmer of warmth in her eye. She was also wearing pink, and let's just say we had a moment. She knew that she had met a kindred spirit, an artistic, girly soul just like herself. Then some roadie plugged the music back in and the moment was over! As I sat down, there was much twittering and talking, and I know that some people think I tripped over the cord and disconnected the music during Gaga's opening number, but I know they're just jealous because they don't have the style to make a pop diva stop singing and take notice!

A Loulou-Worthy Look!

Legions of Loulou-fans (and my own infallible intuition) can't be wrong: The Marchesa dress wins. It's the most Loulou-esque, and I think I stand a better chance of standing out by being true to my own, inner Loulou-ness than I do by being a second-rate Lady Gaga. Plus the dress is PINK! Anyway, since I found the frock, I needed to act quickly and assemble a concert-worthy outfit, starting with the hair. This dress practically screams (in a subtle, ladylike way) for a fabulous, full 60s beehive. I'll take this photo along when I get my hair done, for inspiration!

These gorgeous snakeskin pumps from the late, legendary McQueen are ladylike, but the skull adornment is so edgy and rock and roll.

Only Bottega Veneta could make bugs look beautiful. I love this cool, edgy clutch, even if it is a serious splurge!

 Ta da! I have the ensemble, the appointments (hair, nails, love guru!), and the accessories - all ready for the big night. I wonder what Stephen will wear?

Going Gaga

Aagghhhh! It turns out that no legitimate, upscale store in New York City sells anything worthy of Lady Gaga. I know her wardrobe is completely custom, but I only have two days - not nearly enough time to have something made! Stephen got back late last night, so now that he is back in town, I can finally concentrate on the important things, like finding an outfit for the Lady Gaga concert! Here are my options, so far! I need your help, and fast, so please vote!

Loulou-Look #1: Isabel Marant Folco Sequin Leggings and Gulu Silk Blend Brocade Top: These are sparkly enough to razzle dazzle a crowd, but are they wild enough to upstage Lady Gaga?

Loulou-Look #2: DSquared2 Spinal Cord Dress: This dress is wild enough for Lady Gaga, but is it ladylike enough for Loulou? Also, the detail may not show in the dark.

Loulou-Look #3: Now this is Loulou! I don't know whether I will buy this dress. I just don't know whether it's right for a concert or a cocktail party!

I think I am having an identity crisis! How do I outshine her royal Gaga-ness without losing site of the ladylike Loulou?

Sad, Sad Loulou

Stephen is out of town for two whole days on business, and I have been too sad to write anything at all! I don't know how he could leave during such an important week. This is the week that I need to be spending all of my time and energy making myself look way cooler and way hotter than Lady Gaga, without revealing a lot of skin. I do not need to be spending my time pining away over my absent boyfriend! The concert is on Saturday and I haven't come up with a brilliant outfit idea yet. Now this might seem like a dilemma for lesser shoppers, but I am a trained professional, and I know that inspiration will strike. But not until Stephen gets back. I haven't managed to do much of anything in the last couple of days, except buy half a dozen pairs of shoes at Jeffrey, get three massages and an acupuncture treatment, and start researching destination wedding locations. 

Outshining Lady Gaga

Stephen is seriously the perfect boyfriend. He calls often enough but not too often - 2-3 times an hour, which is exactly the right amount. He dresses really really well, but not better than I do. He is very romantic and considerate. He even said the word wedding. He wasn't referring to ours, unfortunately, he was talking about his college roommates' upcoming wedding, which is still amazing because I know some guys never even breathe the word. And we have so many of the really important things in common:
1. We both believe, although we are still compiling the evidence to prove it, that excessive exercise (more than twice a month, three tops) can lead to premature aging and depression.
2. We both have French names. Loulou is even the French spelling of an already French-ish name, and Stephen goes by Stephan, which sounds very French.
3. We both hate coffee but love coffee shops!

This weekend he is taking me to a Lady Gaga concert. He has these incredible seats because his little brother, Sawyer, used to date one of the backup dancers! (Stephen has so many connections but he is so modest and low-key about it all!). The concert is Saturday night, which means I have only 5 days to choose the perfect outfit. I know that people will be coming to see Lady Gaga, but I want them to be gaga for Loulou, instead!

What I Love About Stephen

I know I promised the scoop on my memorable first date with Stephen, and here it is! So sorry about the delay, but since I am usually a few days late for everything, and this is only one day late, according to LoulouLogic, that makes me early! Please forgive me if you operate on dull, boring clock time...
Now back to my favorite subject, Stephen. When he arrived to pick me up for our date, he looked so dapper he reminded me of Cary Grant or Cary Elwes or someone famous and very good looking like that! He wore this jacket and pants combo from Armani, but with just a button-down shirt underneath, and he's so much better looking than this model!

Also, I recognized his cologne, which is subtle and masculine and perfect. It's Acqua di Parma Essenza... Yummy! Then we had a lovely romantic dinner at a very, very nice restaurant. I'd love to tell you the name, but I am afraid the paparazzi will swarm us next time we are there. I am hoping it will become "our place!" (Even though it's my career as a hand model and all the good work I've done as a socialite that initially made me famous, since my publicist broke the news of the possible 2014 drop of my debut cabaret album, Loulou Rocks!, I can't go anywhere without the paparazzi following me! And Stephen is very very famous because his mother's great aunt was once photographed kissing Elvis! Also, his family is very distinguished and his father is in some kind of banking.) Anyway, after dinner, we went to his friend's housewarming party. He just bought a loft downtown (normally, I firmly stand behind my design philosophy that lofts are ugly, but his friend had hired a really, really good interior designer who made it look less, well, loft-y). We had a fabulous time and I was able to meet a few of his best guy friends, and they all seemed like really nice guys, which was obvious just by looking at them. Creeps do not wear corduroy or tweed, in my experience. We stayed at the party until almost 1 a.m., dancing and talking. I even had half a glass of champagne, but I drank it over the course of three hours, so I was only a little bit tipsy. There was just this buzz of electricity in the air all night long, and it wasn't just because Stephen's jacket was kind of staticky. It was the buzz of promise, of a future with a big white wedding and little Stephen Jr's running around. Did I write that out loud? I digress. I'll just wrap up by saying, once again, that it was definitely the best. date. ever.

The Male Loulou?

It. Was. The. Best. Date. Ever. I'll fill you in on all the date details tomorrow, when I hope to find a little sliver of an opening in my social calendar. In the meantime, let me just say that we have SO MANY IMPORTANT things in common. Here are just a few:
1. We both love pink! (I love a man who is in touch with his feminine side.)
2. We have both been to Los Angeles, and we both liked our hair better there!
3. We have both worn a Chanel fragrance at some point during our lives.

He's just like me, only he's a GUY. Amazing, right? And it gets BETTER, I promise! A bientot!

A Perfect Match

In just a few minutes, Stephen will be picking me up for our very first date, and I have spent the last 24 hours getting ready. Dating is hard work! First, I needed to find something absolutely incredible to wear. I wanted something understated, so it didn't look like I was trying too hard, so I chose this dress from Sass & Bide. It's beige - what could be more subtle than that?

Since the dress is so simple, the shoes had to be fierce and fabulous - leopard print Louboutins!

I needed a pop of color. Ta da! A red silk clutch from Alexander McQueen.

This Stephen Webster cocktail ring will keep my fingers from looking so bare. Hopefully, the big rock on my finger will give my Stephen (love how that sounds!) the right idea!

For my face, I picked up Dior's new Evening Gold collection. So chic!

After my Red Carpet Facial, I got a mani/pedi, a massage, an eyebrow shaping, lash tint and perm, deep conditioning treatment and style, a body scrub and a wrap. I've also been drinking lots of water and using tons of moisturizer so that my skin looks more youthful. (Sshhhhh... I'll be 22 in March. I guess you can't stay 15 forever!)

Sooooo excited about tonight! I can't wait to see what Stephen will be wearing! Details tomorrow - promise!

The Scoop on the New Boyfriend!

Okay, I know everyone's DYING to know who Loulou is dating, but the last 24 hours have been such a whirlwind that I've hardly had a moment to write! His name is Stephen (pronounced Ste-FAHN, as a nod to his French heritage - his mother's cousin has a vacation home in St Barths!) and I met him yesterday morning when I was scouring Soho for this chic little new boutique that is so exclusive there is no sign or anything. Anyway, I was lost, and the GPS on my phone told me to head east, so naturally I turned right because that's always where east is. I am so glad I have a good sense of direction! Anyway I was so focused on my mission (I can be so driven sometimes it's scary!) that I wasn't paying attention and ran smack into him. It was like something out of a Mentos commercial! It was love at first sight, the only kind I believe in anyway. (Who wants to wait until someone grows on you, like a fungus, before deciding it's love?) Of course it was mutual. He didn't even seem to mind the fact that I was only wearng my thirty-minute-face. You know it's love when a guy likes you even when you are wearing next-to-no makeup. Sigh. So we got to talking, and it turns out his roommate at Brown was my sister Lana's ex-boyfriend's former rugby teammate's twin brother. Wow! I can't believe we've managed to miss each other all these years! We continued our chat at a coffee shop and I confess I forgot all about my errand. Our first official date is tomorrow night (dinner and a party) but we've already spoken on the phone three times and he has sent me 7 1/2 texts (I don't think "LOL" counts as a real text). Off to get ready now. I only have 24 hours to prepare for the big night!

Status: In a (Squeaky New!) Relationship

Can't talk now... I have a boyfriend! More on the (new, improved) man of my dreams tomorrow!

Bags are Better than Boyfriends, Part Deux

Now that I have endured four days of singleness, I have a whole new perspective on the life of the single girl, and it's not easy. You have to attend parties and premieres solo, and answer mean questions about why Bruce didn't appreciate your unique Eau. You have to hold your own door open. And you have to buy yourself jewelry. But somehow I can always find a silver lining in every fur coat, and here it is: You can shop as much as you want, and no one, except your pesky accountant Howard, can say anything about it. The stores must go on, and I am here to make sure they do! And since I consider it my civic duty to boost the economy, here are a few bags that will help you make the credit card companies so happy!

6. Jimmy Choo "Ubai" Clutch, $595: This bag is sparkly and pretty, like jewelry for your hand. And since my hand is currently rock-free, this will do nicely in a pinch!

7. Fendi Floral Baguette, $1960: This slim straw bag is embroidered with colorful flowers. Just looking at it makes me long for sundresses and warm summer days, walking hand in hand with Bruce. Or was that Baylin? Or Boris?

8. Prada Rete Metal Mini Bag, $2100: When I see art of this caliber, I am reminded of all that is good in the world, and my heart is filled with gratitude. Thank you, Miuccia.

9. Bottega Veneta Woven Satin Minaudiere, $1220: This bag is so pretty it's inspired me to ignore my own "blue is for bores" rule, just this once!

10. Christian Louboutin Pave Clutch, $1295: It wouldn't be a Loulou List if my future friend Christian did not show up at least once. This stunning metal framed bag has the cutest little red-soled-pump closure! Magnifique!

Bags are Better than Boyfriends

Being single really does free up your time to do all sorts of useful, helpful, interesting things! Only today I managed to buy half a dozen cardigans, phoned up three friends to dish about Bruce, and reread the entire first 12 pages of this September's issue of Vogue. I also managed to squeeze in some time in the bathtub and a trip to the coffee shop on the corner. All this in ONE day. But don't be intimidated just because I seem to have it all together. None of this fabulousness would be possible without my most cherished accessory: a handbag. With several showstopping new pairs of shoes, my closet is practically begging me to buy a handbag or two to keep them company! Here, a selection of my favorite bags of the season:

1. Alexander McQueen Britannia Patent Leather Clutch, $1525: Since I plan to be a member of a royal family someday, I try to dress the part. This cheeky (just practicing my British lingo!) red clutch is edgy and girly at the same time - classic McQueen.

2. Anya Hindmarch Marano Mirrored Leather Clutch, $530: Anya invented the bags with the photographs on them, but don't hold that against her. This glam little bag is perfect for parties, and it doubles as a mirror, so it's practical too!

3. Valentino Rose Shopper, $1595: Valentino is my very favorite bag designer, I think. His styles are the girliest, what with the bows and flowers and things. This bag has a huge rose on it, and it's the prettiest pale pink! What could be more Loulou-esque?

4. Marc Jacobs Alexis Sequin and Leather Clutch, $1095: This bag combines black leather with golden sequins, which means its cool and sparkly all at the same time. Marry me, Marc.

5. Jimmy Choo "Candy" Clutch, $550: I love this chic little envelope of a bag for its superglossy finish and shocking pink shade. This bag would be fabulous with something more conservative, which might make it the only good reason I've ever found to wear navy.

More beautiful bags tomorrow, I promise!

Moving On

There is nothing like ending a dysfunctional relationship to really help you put your life in perspective and to focus on the things that really matter, like amazing girlfriends and beautiful shoes. I've spent the last couple of days reconnecting with all of my favorite people, from my closest friends to my support team, including my stylist, my makeup artist, and Fabien, the fabulously helpful guy in the shoe department at Barneys. Oh, and I've also been seeing Donato, my talented trainer, but now we work out rather than dishing over pasta. Yesterday, during one of our bimonthly workouts, I almost broke a sweat while trying to decide whether or not to commit to a lunge, but fortunately I was saved by the fact that my new Louboutins looked so much better with my legs in a vertical position. Whew! I have been so disciplined, what with all the working out and deep thinking and everything, that I feel like I really deserve to treat myself to something special. I think I will buy a new bag, or twelve, to keep my shoes company! If I really focus, I can probably find at least 5 or 6 Loulou-worthy bags in a single day of shopping. It's good to have goals!

Sole Searching and the Single Loulou

Bruce and I have been over for nearly 12 hours now, and I've decided this is a good time to do some sole-searching. Sole-searching, in case you are not familiar with the concept, is the process of investing some serious time (and, of course, money) into finding the pair of shoes that most expresses who you really are, on the inside. Even though my last drought was substantial (I was without a boyfriend for nearly 4 days pre-Bruce), I never took the time to do the things that really matter to me. Instead, I wasted my precious free time with Donato, my yummy Italian personal trainer, opening up to him about life as a single girl in the city. Usually this was done over a plate of pasta, which led to an unfortunate weight gain of nearly half a pound.

Anyway, this time I plan to make the most of my single status, and the freedom that comes with it, by doing something really meaningful with my time - shoe shopping. I've found a few pairs of shoes that really, truly speak to me. The next step is to buy them all, and live with them for a little while, seeing how they get along with my life and my wardrobe, before making a full commitment and dubbing the winning pair my sole-mates. And since, if the past is any indication, I have anywhere from 2-3 days of single-ness left, I have plenty of time to tackle such a monumental task. So I won't keep you waiting much longer. Here is a list (in no particular order) of the cutest shoes ever made, by any label, ever, and exactly what I love about each pair:

1. Christian Louboutin Gressimo Gingham Knot Pump, $875: Not only are these adorable gingham platforms fresh and fun, they are the perfect pair to pick for your next picnic. In Paris.

2. Christan Louboutin Lady Peep Slingback Pump, $895: These shoes are not only patent leather, one of my favorite things ever, but they also feature several beautiful colors at the same time! So ingenious, and so versatile, which makes them a real steal when you stop to think about it!

3. Nina Ricci Floral Maryjane Pump, $1295: These shoes are so pretty and romantic, they make me want to find another boyfriend just so I can properly debut them. 

4. Christian Louboutin Studio 120 Peep Toe Pumps, $1895: These studded cream peep-toes are so pretty, they almost make me want to plan another premature wedding to an undeserving boyfriend who never lived up to his potential. Sniff. But since I am single, I think I will wear them out to dinner with the girls. At least then I will have an appreciative audience!

5. Alexander McQueen Leather Lace Pump, $935: Like every socially-minded fashionista, I immediately bought up every last Alexander McQueen item I could find upon the tragic news of his passing. He was a legend, and these stunning shoes are just one of many, many reasons why.

6. Fendi Deco Suede Pumps, $725: I am not usually a suede fan because, let's face it, it's usually dull. Not shiny or sparkly at all. But these fuchsia pumps are different. I love them because the color is so gorgeous, and the style is so feminine. And I firmly believe it's important to rotate your fuchsia pumps so that you aren't wearing the same 23 pairs all the time. It's such a lovely, versatile color.

7. Manolo Blahnik Sequined Pascalare Over the Knee Boot, $1550: I usually don't go for Manolos, as I don't find 3-inches to be an acceptable heel height. If you are going to go that low, you might as well wear flats! But these glittery, mile-long black boots teeter on a perfectly respectable 4-inch heel, and, aside from looking fabulous, do the very practical job of keeping your legs warm in the winter. Genius!

8. Miu Miu Bow Front Maryjane, $595: Yes, these are inexpensive, but don't worry. I promise to make it up to you elsewhere on this list, and, in my opinion, Miu Miu shoes are wildly underrated. I love them because they are feminine and funky. These shoes are so pretty, they are like little French macaroons for your feet. Even though they were made in Italy.

9. Fendi Tasseled Pump, $860: If I ever (God forbid!) found myself appearing in front of someone scary, like a judge or a tax accountant, I would want to be wearing these shoes. The menswear-inspired style  means that they will definitely take you seriously, because you will look so smart, and the height will give you a little extra confidence. Too bad they only come in green or brown, two of my least favorite colors!

10. Miu Miu Patent Leather Peep Toes, $670: Only Miu Miu could make humdrum colors like nude and camel seem so girly and exciting. Wear these when you want to be taken seriously, like the first time in a brand-new boutique or for an audition. The perforated trim will make you look so professional!

Bye Bye Brucie

Today was a tragic day. After just over two weeks of dating, I decided to end my relationship with Bruce. Usually, when I end a relationship, I like to make sure that there is some drama involved, like in the movies. This usually includes frequent outbursts of emotion, door slamming, tossing my hair, storming off, and crying. (Hint: Make sure your makeup is waterproof before shedding a tear. After all, you don’t want to spoil his final image of you. The least you can do, since you are breaking his heart and ruining his life, is to leave him with a pretty parting shot.) But this time, I realized that the demise of the relationship wasn’t entirely Bruce’s fault. After all, he couldn’t help his faulty nose. Maybe it’s genetic, or maybe he has some serious, scent-stealing sickness. Or maybe his mother’s indiscreet use of fragrance ruined him for life. Whatever the reason, I needed to break it to him gently. I knew he would be heartbroken, so, hoping to avoid a scene, I decided to pick a bustling spot for the breakup: the Sephora in Times Square. This would accomplish two things at once: allow me to end the relationship in a very public place, and give me a chance to stock up on bubble bath. (The trials of this relationship led me to indulge in as many as 9 baths a day, nearly wiping out my supply of bath bubbles and beads). And then, the worst happened. Bruce turned up in the orange shirt, leading me to two conclusions: 1. His wardrobe was entirely too small. How many times could a guy wear a single shirt in a two-week period, anyway? 2. He was intentionally trying to annoy me. Hadn’t he noticed the not-so-subtle cues I gave him whenever he wore it? For instance, I would sit a good 1-2 inches farther away from him, and hold his hand only loosely when we walked down the street. The shirt really set me off. I launched into a litany of complaints, ranging from the way the shade turned his skin green to the too-shiny finish of the fabric. Then, I told him that all of the conflict over the scent had really worn me down, and made me realize that we were inherently incompatible. (This is a shorter version of my actual tirade, which lasted about 73 minutes). Finally, I decided to let Bruce speak. After a few moments of stunned silence, during which I braced myself at Bruce’s certain breakdown, he took a deep breath, and then he really floored me. He informed me that he didn’t realize that we were actually dating, and therefore, was shocked by such a stormy breakup! Stunned, I remained silent for nearly 12 long seconds, before I let him have it. Not dating!! What could two weeks of occasional phone calls and dinners and holding hands mean, if not that we were boyfriend and girlfriend? And to think that I was going to let him put his arm around me at the opera as early as our four-week anniversary! I tossed my hair, stormed out of Sephora, and vainly attempted to slam the swinging door behind me on my way out.

The Slumber Party Edict

Sadly, the slumber party went exactly the way I planned it to. My loyal legion of girlfriends turned up with pajamas and pampering potions, and we settled in for a night of girl talk. It didn’t take long for the subject to turn to my dilemma with Bruce, and the deep philosophical questions it raised. Was Bruce shutting me out, making him unable to smell my signature scent? Should I change who I am (as embodied so fragrantly in Eau de Loulou) for a man with a hideous orange shirt? At what point does a girl begin to lose her identity? Why do so many women wear perfumes named after other women, like Celine and J. Lo? And which female celebrity would be next: Lil’ Kim? Barbara Walters? We swayed and swooned over the scent of Lovely and rejoiced in the demise of unisex scents. All of this talk led to one thing: I would have to end my relationship with Bruce. Clearly, I had no alternative. This subject is too important to casually dismiss. Normally, I am very open-minded when it comes to men. For example, I don’t care whether a guy’s wealth comes from a successful, high profile career or a successful, high profile family. I don’t care if his hair is light or dark, as long as it’s gorgeous. I don’t care if he prefers Gucci or Prada, as long as he avoids Versace. And he can listen to any music he wants, as long as I like it. But he cannot be immune to the charms of my signature scent…

Seeking Professional Help

Bruce and I are close to hitting the two week mark, a milestone in any relationship, so before we take it any further, I need to answer the burning questions: Why can’t he smell me? Is his profile a little too perfect? And what’s the story behind that hideous orange shirt? We spent all day trying to figure out what was wrong with Bruce’s sense of smell. We began with my favorite hypnotherapist, Hans, who suspected that an early childhood trauma led to some form of olfactory overload, and his sense of smell had just shut down. Olfactory overload? Of course! After all, didn’t his mother, an aging actress who will remain nameless, regularly submerge herself in Eau de Old Lady? Sadly, after 2 hours of hypnosis, Hans was unable to undo the damage. Next was an aromatherapist, who pulled out the strongest essential oils in her arsenal to stimulate Bruce’s senses, and again, nothing worked. Bruce claimed he could smell the potent oils, but I think he was in denial. Still, the trip wasn’t a total waste, because Olga mixed up a batch of essential oils that are supposed to sharpen your sense of style. As my good deed for the week, I will sashay around town, secretly spilling some of the style potion on every fashion “don’t” I see. It’s my way of making the world a prettier place. Undaunted, I pressed on, dragging Bruce behind me. We went to the office of Camille, a French woman who practices some ancient form of French holistic medicine. She said that Bruce’s chakras were blocked, and after some acupuncture and ayurveda, pronounced him healed. But alas, nothing had changed, and I had a feeling that Camille was a little clueless. I consider myself an authority on the French language, because I read so many perfume bottles and my entire skincare routine is from a French company, and I know that words like “chakra” and “ayurveda” are not French at all. Obviously, they’re Russian. Anyway, we ended up at the office of my daddy’s friend, Dr. Walt, who specializes in ears, noses, and throats. (Dr. Walt is credited with helping Whitney regain her voice after those unfortunate shouting incidences on her husband’s reality show). Anyway, one quick check-up and Dr. Walt assured me that, much to my dismay, nothing was wrong with Bruce’s nose. Clearly, he was mistaken, but Dr. Walt stood behind the seventeen tests he had run. (I tried to convince him that feminine intuition was much more accurate than any test he could run, but he remained unmoved. I’ll have to tell Daddy not to recommend him so highly in the future). So, one long, dreary day has passed, and we are no closer to solving our relationship dilemma. As it is too late to shop, there is only one thing that could make me feel better: a slumber party…

Bruce or Barneys?

Yesterday, I spent the entire day doing some intensive research at the perfume counter at Barneys. My friend and favorite fragrance expert, Bruno, assisted me as I sniffed and sprayed my way through hundreds of scents, trying to find the one fragrance that could capture my essence like Eau de Loulou, but alas, there was no substitute. I was so dejected, I didn’t even have the heart to shop. I just grabbed a few essentials on my way out the door: 3 pairs of shoes, the collection of new lipstick shades from Armani, half a dozen eyeshadows, and the cutest straw bag with a patent leather handle. Once home, I started to wonder whether Bruce was worth all of the heartache. I have never wasted a perfectly good morning of shopping because of a guy before. Where were my priorities? I decided to make a list of Bruce’s good and bad qualities.

Things I Love About Bruce
• Perfect profile (have I mentioned his fabulous nose)
• Very intelligent
• Great taste (he picked me, after all)
Things I Don’t Love About Bruce
• He can’t smell
• I suspect that he may be a bit shallow.
• When we go to charity events, he doesn’t seem to care about starving supermodels or fledgling fashion designers all that much.
• His orange shirt

A Break from Bruce

After a night of tossing and turning and an entire day of staying inside, shunning my public and hiding my sleep-deprived pallor, I finally hit upon a solution. Normally, I do my best thinking at Barneys or Bergdorf’s, but tonight, I was steeping in a bubble bath, avoiding Bruce’s phone calls, when it hit me. Perhaps Bruce and I weren’t incompatible after all. Maybe, he was sick, and his nose didn’t work properly. He could have a cold or allergies or something! I immediately jumped out of the bathtub, put on a cute ensemble, and called Bruce back. When I suggested that he might need to seek some professional help, he laughed in the way that he has that always used to make me melt. Only this time, it made me mad. Clearly, he wasn’t taking this seriously. I calmly explained that the future of our relationship depended on getting to the bottom of the problem with his very attractive but otherwise defective nose. I told him that we needed some time apart. Reluctantly, he agreed, and promised not to call me until the same time tomorrow night. (I know it seems pretty extreme to deprive Bruce of my presence for a whole 24 hours, but he needs to understand how serious the situation is). After I hung up, I was crushed, because it seemed I had oversimplified what appeared to be a much bigger problem. Tomorrow, I needed to tackle this problem from a different perspective. Maybe Barneys, and not the bathtub…

A Chink in the Armor

Last night, my boyfriend Bruce* and I were slow-dancing at a charity ball. I was in such a great mood, because I love good causes, and what’s more important than saving struggling fashion models? Plus, I was with Bruce, who is so smart, he must be a genius or something. He has two careers. He started out as a model and now he’s also an actor. Last week, he even had a walk-on role on The Bold and The Beautiful! Anyway, we were dancing when Bruce casually asked me why I wasn’t wearing perfume. At first I laughed, certain he was joking. I have never been known to leave the house without my top-secret, custom-couture signature scent, Eau de Loulou, which was blended for me by Serge, a master “nose” in Paris. But Bruce wasn’t joking. The Eau de Loulou was lost on him. Clearly, something is wrong with his sense of smell, because Serge and I spent nearly two years perfecting Eau de Loulou’s strong-yet-subtle-yet-sophisticated-yet-sweet blend of over 732 exotic essences. How can a good-looking nose like Bruce’s not detect my signature scent? (Bruce’s nose is so chiseled that he was actually voted “Best Nose” at his modeling agency.) To look at it, you’d have no idea it was so seriously flawed. Clearly, I had a dilemma. Were my beautiful boyfriend Bruce and my signature scent, Eau de Loulou, a fragrance which captures my very essence, inherently incompatible? What does this say about our future? And how was it possible that I had made it this far in our relationship (we’ve been dating nearly 9 days) so blind to Bruce’s faults? I need to solve this problem soon. My skin is suffering…

*Some names have been changed to protect the famous.